OMG I Can't Believe It's Not Silk
by Ravenous Arche
Summary: Zell awakens in a beautifully furnished bed adorned with an alluring black silk bed spread. Only problem is Seifer Almasy is in it and apparently he's married to him. Married to a rich, handsome bastard. What's a boy to do other than milk him? AU SLASH


**A/N: I do not own FFVIII or its characters otherwise the game would have a dating system that would allow Seifer to woe Zell. I do not own but I chew Hubba Bubba bubblegum:D**

Here is an idea that was bugging me. I am so bored during these holidays that my neices have been bugging me with those classic teeny boppy movies. So here is something of a cliche type story. The characters are OOC but then again this is AU so it's expected. Seifer is the steroetypical manwhore playboy man but hopefully Zell will change that (crossing fingers). Zell is the mummy's little boy. Anyway hope you like it;b

**OMG-I-can't-believe-it's-not-silk**

Zell could literally feel the rays of sunshine frying his closed eyelids. Strange though, because his bedroom had no windows. Okay then. He groaned at the sunny assault, flaying his arms haphazardly over his boyish face. He proceeded to turn over in his very comfortable—too comfortable bed, mesmerised at the feel of silky sheets.

_Silky sheets..._

_I don't have silky sheets._

Not that it bothered Zell. Maybe Ma had gotten him one of those OMG-I-can't-believe-it's-not-silk bed sets. Yeah that was it. Ma must have gone to the Balamb bargain basement to buy him possibly the best birthday present ever. Zell was a pretty easy person to please, much to the joy of Ma. It was unfortunate that the Dincht family was not financially well off. Zell really did deserve diamonds rather than the cheap 'Made in Winhill' plastics that seemed to infest Zell's rather small pitiful room. Ma loved him even though he was a bit of a nut.

So perhaps Zell was a bit slow. Nobody was perfect. Zell had the amazing ability to be super smart while lack in the common sense department. He managed to ace through highschool with the dream of entering a high salary job so that he and his Ma could get out of the hole they called an apartment and buy a decent house and stock the fridge with food. In the face of adversity nothing could stop Zell.

Zell instantly began to stroke his new bed spread in morbid fascination, still in the grips of a peaceful slumber.

_Oh man – it smells and feels so goooood... _giving a small deep growl.

Zell somehow gathered during his wandering trips under the bedcovers that he was in fact very naked. It was a small surprise for the blond, as he usually slept in flannelette pyjamas. Ma would always make sure to tuck his pyjama shirt in, paranoid that her only son would catch a nasty draught to the back. The last thing Ma wanted was to send Zell to the hospital with a suspected 'kidney cold'? Zell reasoned that the feel of silk, despite being a cheap-ass imitation polyester derivative was glorious against his naked skin, so he thought nothing of it. He would just have to make sure that he changed into his pyjamas before joining Ma for breakfast.

_Mmmmmm....Ma must have also gotten me an air freshener..._

It wasn't the typical fake apple scented block of jelly. It was much more sophisticated. It was citrusy and sea breezy at the same time. There was something else..a muskiness that was driving the enraptured Zell into a state of post-coital bliss minus the sex.

_Ma must have spent a fortune on the perfume... _conjuring images of his sweet Ma digging through her purse, scraping every single gil to get her only son a birthday present.

Zell being the soft hearted fool that he was felt the tears of joy prick his closed eyelids. His heart swelled with affection at the kind stranger who took him in and raised him as her own.

He briefly pried his sleepy eyes open gaping at the over looming canopy overhead. It was opulent. His single bed with the hot dog print bed spread was magically transformed into a four poster bed made of the finest mahogany, carved with intricate embellishments. The bed spread was black. BLACK! No wonder Zell had enjoyed being ravaged by the lifeless material. It was BLACK. Black was only reserved for nights of unadulterated passion, carnal desires and mind blowing sex. Zell blushed at the thought of his own Ma buying a black silk bed spread (imitation that is). Was the sexual frustration that obvious?

_Wow....Ma must have won the lottery_.. he trailed off closing his eyes, smiling inwardly as he once again stroked the imitation silk sheets.

* * *

Seifer Almasy grinned inwardly at the sheer exhaustion hitting his pitifully perfect body.

_Who would have known that Rinoa's such an animal in bed...._ he purred thinking of the brunette 'panther'.

Seifer marvelled at how amazingly satiated and flaccid his body was. No doubt he was going to bruise. He had never expected the ditzy Rinoa to be such a feisty succubus in bed. Not that he really cared. Seifer enjoyed sex, even more so when it was painfully obvious when the woman was enjoying it just as much as he was, even more. Seifer Almasy never once doubted his sexual prowess.

He shifted himself silently, inching closer to the sleeping Rinoa, making sure not to wake up the femme fatale. He could literally feel warmth radiating off her body. He revelled in her closeness, mindlessly stroking her soft hair.

_So soft..._almost whimpering in sheer bliss.

He was so tired. So sore. He could barely open his eyes to gaze at Rinoa his love. She was such a tough nut to crack. She refused to sleep with the blond until they were married.

_Ohhh if only I knew..If only I knew Rinoa..I would marry you in an instant.....sex like this every day....I'll propose to her tonight...that's what I'll do._

He could hear her soft breaths beating against his face.

_Mmmmm she smells so good.....like grape flavoured Hubba Bubba..._

Seifer shifted closer to the sleeping brunette, placing a chaste kiss on her forehead.

_Geez Seifer your becoming a sap....must be the sex.....OH YEAH!!!_... a grin forming on his aristocratic face.

Seifer had grown to be an exceptionally fine specimen of a man. Girls would swoon to capture the gaze of the blond Eros. From his confident stride to the feral pine tree eyes that promised passion filled trysts under moonlit nights, Seifer Almasy was the physical manifestation of lust and beauty. Unfortunately the blond 'stud' was known for his playing ways, using but never giving. He manipulated and cheated women from marriages, their time and virginity, giving false promises of love and devotion. These promises only lasted the night, where he would then disappear from the stranger's life forever.

Seifer Almasy was 28 years old, sinfully handsome, filthy rich courtesy of his parents and undeniably in control of his life. So here he was sleeping peacefully in bed, bruised and battered. He would never have guessed that he was falling hopelessly in love with a woman named Rinoa Heartilly who had the ability to dominate the lustful demon that he was. He had to have her, own her and control her. She would be his and he would demand her body when he so pleased. Rinoa beware, you're in for a scare it's.....

"A MAN!?!" Seifer screamed at the well defined figure of a young blond man in his bed. Perhaps he shouldn't have opened his eyes.

Zell awoke from his rather pleasant dream of black silk. His tired eyes immediately swept over the startled face of another blond.

"What are you doing in my bed?" Zell softly replied. He rather liked the idea of another man in his bed. Especially when the said man was handsome. Though his Ma would proabably spank him if he ever brought a fuck buddy home.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR BED? GET OUT, GET OOOOUUUUT", forcing the prospect of marriage out the door as well.

"It's my bed! Ma got it for me..." trailing off at the sight of a huge giant plasma screen TV and a gold leafed computer desk with a laptop...a new, expensive looking laptop. Zell supposed it was strange for his room to change just like 'that'. If Ma really did win the lottery then getting a house this ornate would require a 2 week cooling off period by law so it was unlikely that the bed and the room were his.

"Double damn! You know you have a really nice bed and the silk sheets.."

"G-E-T O-U-T before I call the police" Seifer gritted his teeth in frustration.

"Okay, okay, jeez just let me find my p-p.....Umm did we by any chance have sex?" facing the red faced, green eyed monster.

"Huh?"

"You know hide the purple parsnip, park the limousine in the garage, prep the probe for Ura.."

"You seriously think that I would stoop so low to have sex with a man? Least of all with you? Your butt-ugly face would be a major turn off to anybody" Seifer smirked.

"Take that back! My Ma says I have an angelic face," Zell pouted. It was strange having sex with a stranger who deemed you ugly. Wasn't sex based on arousal? "I can't believe I had sex with you....I'm supposed to be a virgin and I lost it and I don't remember...I'm soooooo confused" randomly searching the littered floor for his cheap bargain basement jeans.

"WE DID NOT HAVE SEX!" growled the now evil Eros.

"You may wanna check the floor," Zell arched a golden eyebrow.

Seifer narrowed his eyes in disgust. Why, the very idea of doing anything remotely sexual with the blond boy would be enough for Seifer to surrender his massive fortune and live a solitary life as a monk. He snapped his head to look at the neatly lacquered timbre floors that Seifer thought perfectly suited the room's gold trimmed walls. Unfortunately the various ribbed fluoro used condoms slowly dribbling on the floor was not a welcome sight. Definitely not a welcoming sight for the perfectly straight Seifer Almasy whose sole purpose in life was to eat, breathe and fuck pussy.

_1, 2, 3, 4, 5......TWENTY FIVE, TWENTY FIVE CONDOMS!.....damn I'm good! Wait that's not the point! Seifer you are straight. You like girls not boys.. Think rational thoughts here Seifer. You like women with breasts. Damn my ass hurts. M-My ASS?!_

Come to think of it Seifer was very sore. In fact most of the pain originated down there. He wearily looked at the blond supposedly 'angelic' boy. He was young, probably 16..

_16? NO! I was raped by a 16 year old? A 16 year old midget? I'M A PEDOPHILE? SHIT! What am I gonna tell mum and dad. Think.....THINK SEIFER!_

Seifer dared to take a quick peek underneath the covers to observe the damage inflicted by the supposedly angelic looking 16 year old boy.

_Okay, you're going to snap out of this Seifer. It's all a dream. A nightmare! See you're fine...just a lot of hickeys....a hickey on my DICK?! Is that even possible? I've got hickeys everywhere. Ewwww what the hell did I eat?.... _noticing the peculiar taste in his mouth as he swirled his tongue in concentration_. FUCK! I sucked him off? I'm the one supposed to be blown, NOT HIM! Wait a minute...I'm supposed to be blown by a woman...yes that's it. _

Seifer was scared. The pissing your pants type of scared.

"Okay, I am going to get out of this bed, tread carefully through the maze of condoms on the floor and have a shower. By the time I'm finished, none of this," rudely pointing at Zell and the assorted condoms, "will have ever happened," blissfully ignoring that it did actually happen.

"Can I have a shower too?" Zell asked.

"NO!"

* * *

"What the fuck are you still doing here?" boomed Seifer, water dripping down his toned chest. Yes, Seifer was definitely handsome Zell thought. Too bad he didn't remember having sex with him. He would have treasured the memory for life.

"I can't seem to find my pants and shirt," stressed the poor Zell who had searched every nook and cranny of the room. He covered his naked body in embarrassment with the black silk sheets.

_Mmmmmm.....black silk. _

Seifer immediately stormed across the room eager to get rid of the annoying smell that was the blond boy. Stepping over the condoms he lifted and ruffled his way through the room. As a final resort he searched his tallboy wondering why the stranger's clothes would be there in the first place.

_Why the hell are they here?_

Then Seifer began to laugh. They were a frayed pair of jeans, worn till the seams came apart from all the constant attention. They also had oil patches, splotches of paint that would probably never come out unless you bleached them. Who would? Nobody likes white jeans! By the looks of the filthy pair of jeans in Seifer's well manicured hands, they were washed to death, faded out into a retro, clearly out of date 80s fashion statement. Zell's shirt was even worse.

"A Hawaiian print?" sizing up the shirt, "shit, you musta been some morbidly obese kid to fit into this shit," he laughed.

Zell didn't tell him that on top of his college tuition fees partially paid by a scholarship, a new wardrobe was clearly out of the question. His Ma thought he would fill out, but given the circumstances involving a lack of food and genetics, Zell didn't really grow much. This would have explained the really large shirt made for pub fiends with a spare tyre or two.

"How much did you pay for this shit...a gil?" continuing his laughter making Zell uncomfortable in his naked attire. He was so thin and the teasing man was such a man and he was not!

"Nah, got'em for free," Zell smiled in the face of adversity. He would not cry. He was 18 and he would not cry. Did you hear that? He would not cry! He would just mentally cry at his pathetic-ness.

"Here take them and get outta here" Seifer warned. A headache was coming, he could feel it. This blond boy was the headache.

Seifer was about to close the drawer when he noticed something very peculiar wedged underneath a black flimsy looking fake leather belt which Seifer no doubt thought was the boy's. It was a slip of paper, a slip of paper with a logo. It was a slip of paper with a logo of the Estherian Government. He carefully removed it and skimmed it, read it, read between the lines and finally dissected it.

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

This certifies that

Seifer Almasy and Zell Dincht

Were united on marriage on this day,

The 17th of March in the year 2009.

This ceremony was witnessed and celebrated by

Irvine Kinneas and Selphie Tilmitt.

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

"Nonononononononono this can't be happening...I-I was supposed to seduce Rinoa and then fuck her brains out, then ditch her.." flaying the marriage certificate away like some diseased cockroach only to float serenely through the air into the lap of the newly married Zell Dincht. Seifer could swear he was going to have a stroke.

Seifer was swimming in a mixture of confusion, bitter sadness and anger. He wanted to wring the blond boy's, correction, his husband's neck. Gay marriage was perfectly legal for the poor unfortunate Seifer.

Zell curiously picked up the paper carefully reading it.

"So that's why I have a ring," recognition lighting Zell's angelic face. He was clearly wondering why his Ma would bother to buy him an engraved wedding ring. Not that she would be able to, unless she won the lottery. Although the chances of winning was 1 in 16 million....so it was highly unlikely.

So Zell was married to Seifer.

Zell was married to Seifer, an undeniably gorgeous man.

Zell was married to Seifer an undeniably gorgeous man who happened to live in what appeared to be quite a fucking expensive house. That would lead Zell to the conclusion that he was in fact married to an undeniably gorgeous man with money at his disposal.

Zell was dirt poor.

Zell was gay.

Well actually he never really did experience gay sex in general, though apparently he did according to the condoms strewn across the floor. Forget the blushing virgin bride, this was one hell of a consummation.

Problem was Seifer was clearly straight and Zell supposed he had no chance of bending him. Zell obviously didn't measure up to the rugged beauty so there was no chance in making him jealous or seducing him. There goes the marital bed down the drain.

Zell certainly didn't want to be married to a man that didn't love him or thought of him as 'butt ugly'...but damn he could definitely use the money. If push came to shove, he would divorce the bastard and milk him for all his worth in the courthouse.

Zell smiled at the perfect plan. Love or not, this marriage was going to get his college tuition fees fully paid, a brand spanking new wardrobe, plenty of food and a nice fat bank account exclusively for his Ma.

"I-I really am married," at which point Seifer collapsed from overwhelming joy (note sarcasm).

_He'll come around_, Zell thought.

There was a fully furnished mansion, pent house (at which Zell hobbled out of his bed in his birthday suit to look out the window) to be explored. He noted the manicured lawns, the winding driveway lined with flowering cherry blossoms and the expensive limousine parked next to a highly detailed fountain of Leviathan shooting water out of its mouth.

"Actually.....make it chateau," smiling to himself. There were so many things to see around his new love nest, but first he had to call Ma. After all it wasn't everyday you get married to a handsome, insanely rich playboy who owns a chateau.

"Shit! Ma's gonna be pissed she wasn't invited to the wedding."

_Did I even have a wedding?_

_

* * *

  
_

_

* * *

_**Can you guess who refers to sex as a game or act of hiding the purple parsnip?**

**Anyway this was something that was bugging me and had to be regurgitated. Seifer wants a wildcat in bed and I think he finally got one. Be careful what you wish for Seify. I had to include Selphie and Irvine as the justice of the peace (whatever they're called). They remind me so much of a hippie couple trying to spread the love. God bless them even if they don't exist. **_  
_


End file.
